Two and a Half Men — S05E01 — Large Birds, Spiders and Mom

00:00:01 Hey, Berta, how have you been washing my underwear?

00:00:51 What's swamp ass?

00:01:32 You're starting a new school. You're gonna need new stuff.

00:02:15 What happened?

00:02:58 Who are "they"?

00:03:46 But the important thing is the fellas won't be calling you Shrinky Dink.

00:04:48 But you don't have to worry about that. You have a cell phone.

00:05:58 I'd rather get these. These are cool.

00:06:40 Wrong table? How will I know if it's the wrong table?

00:07:34 You gonna make a thing out of this?

00:08:27 You said, "Hey, Julie."

00:09:23 You don't wanna be trapped and get pummeled.

00:10:27 Mm-hm.

00:11:23 But you're a doctor.

00:12:03 Good idea.

00:13:18 - Are those my comics? ALAN: Charlie.

00:14:02 you were crouched in a locker, peeing on your gym socks.

00:14:46 - Right. - And for the record...

00:15:26 I mean, look, getting hit in the face hurts.

00:16:20 - Exactly. - How do you stop being afraid?

00:17:25 What's the matter with this guy?

00:18:27 I think this qualifies.

00:19:27 Oh, wait, wait. Does Grecian Formula count?

00:20:16 I wish my balls hurt more.