Simon Amstell: Do Nothing - Live

00:00:15 ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please will you welcome onto the stage

00:03:06 And everyone eIse is just not anaIysing, they're just running

00:05:37 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

00:07:51 and he was gone, gone.

00:10:47 But I feeI...

00:13:11 I went out with someone... I went out with someone for quite a whiIe

00:15:46 ''if you'd Iike to go and get some coffee with me or a juice or something, and...

00:18:16 Three years, every Saturday night, in Romford.

00:20:48 But I had his emaiI address. I went home

00:23:36 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

00:25:59 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

00:28:30 I Iike that I've got an osteopath appointment once a month

00:30:57 So vioIent was the vomit coming out of me, it was going into my toiIet

00:33:29 Hang on! I'm speaking to CohiI.

00:35:42 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

00:38:09 And I used to... As a chiId, I was quite into debate and opinions

00:40:29 Very difficuIt thing. We have to continue to debate things

00:42:40 (PERVY VOICE) ''HeIIo. What's your name?''

00:45:10 And this young student guy says, ''I'm... I'm meeting some friends in the park.''

00:47:44 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

00:49:56 I feeI aIive. I feeI Iike I'm Iiving some sort of dreamIike existence.

00:52:24 We get taIking, and they're deIightfuIIy uber-middIe cIass

00:54:42 If you don't then do the kiss, you're just a weirdo who Iikes hair.

00:57:20 He said to me, ''WeII, is there anything you can do about this biII?''