Saturday Night Live — S03E04 — Charles Grodin/Paul Simon and The Persuaders

00:00:01 STAND BY, CAST. WE HAVE TWO MINUTES TO AIR, TWO MINUTES!

00:01:41 AND DO A MONOLOGUE TO MAKE THE STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGH, YOU KNOW? STUDIO AUDIENCE?

00:04:50 HOW MANY OF YOU KNOW THAT THIS IS LIVE?

00:08:06 BUT, MOM! BELDAR, I SUMMON YOU! PRYMAAT, WHY HAVE YOU

00:10:06 IT. I KNOW THAT IN FRANCE CHILDREN START DRINKING AT AN EARLIER

00:13:29 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY VERY DEAR FRIEND PAUL SIMON.

00:18:56 MY GUEST TONIGHT IS MR. IRWIN MAINWAY, PRESIDENT OF MAINWAY NOVELTIES AND CHAIRMAN

00:20:58 PEDESTRIAN... NOT FOR BLIND KIDS." ALL RIGHT?

00:22:46 THIS COULD GO UP IN FLAMES JUST LIKE THAT! LOOK AT THIS! LOOK AT THIS!

00:25:13 OH, YES. DEAR, DO YOU HAVE THE TICKET?

00:27:50 UH, TRY TURNING THAT AROUND, DON. Announcer: JANE CURTAIN.

00:30:05 ADMINISTRATION'S SERVICES. AH, IT LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE A

00:32:18 BUT I DON'T SEE WHY TEDDY ROOSEVELT, FOR EXAMPLE, COULDN'T LOOK TO THE SIDE AND

00:35:05 THAT THIS IS NOT JIMMY HOFFA'S SKULL. THIS IS NOT HIS SKULL.

00:38:18 TELEVISION. THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO BE LEARNING.

00:42:13 I NEVER WOULD HAVE DONE THIS IF YOU... CHUCK, HAND IT OVER.

00:44:38 NO, I KNOW MY LINES. UH, WELL... SEE, ACTUALLY, I'M REALLY A LITTLE THROWN IN THIS

00:46:17 LOOK, OKAY, LET'S TAKE IT FROM HERE. WAIT A SECOND.

00:48:19 THIS IS IT, YOU KNOW? I MEAN, IT'S IMPORTANT TO ME. AND I THINK... I THINK THAT I...

00:51:10 AND THIS IS MY LAWN. AND THIS IS MY LAWN ON MY STREET.

00:54:56 YES, SHE IS A BALLET DANCER! ♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA ♪ JUDY, BE QUIET!

01:00:39 TONIGHT ON BEHALF OF A DISCRIMINATED PEOPLE WHO YOU DEAL WITH DAILY BUT WHO YOU

01:02:53 NOW, I COULD TAKE IT WHEN THE BOSS WOULD ASK, "HOW DO YOU MAKE THEM... LIKE THIS?"

01:06:02 GOOD NIGHT.