Louis C.K.: Chewed Up

00:00:30 [crowd cheers]

00:02:41 I'd be like "hey shut up faggot, FAAAAGGGOOT"

00:04:59 they're little pretty things with flow pedal-y lips. I hear a piccalo in my head everytime I see a vagina.

00:07:27 Let me tell you what happened, I went to a coffee place. It was a cool indie place, I don't like starbucks anymore because they don't care anymore.

00:10:08 Like, I was watching a boxing match today, and both guys, they weighed a hundred and ten pounds each.

00:12:37 Best thing that ever happened to me was boxer briefs. I'm so happy about boxer briefs. It doesn't seem like a big deal to most people

00:20:35 I was like "Well goodbye? There's nothing? There's no option, it's just incurable shitty ankle? That's it?"

00:23:31 I ain't there yet, I'm halfway there. 40 year old guys are not good specimens either.

00:26:03 And really, considering how much dogs love cheese I think I made him an offer that he couldn't refuse I think that's probably the fairest way to put it.

00:29:22 I am married though, that takes me down a few pegs.

00:31:52 "Just GOOO!" And I try to get away from him and then I see him and he looks at me and [AHHH] he panics.

00:34:20 Oh my god. Honey, I won't tell anybody but that is fucked up though, seriously. She got an abortion on christmas eve? Oh my god."

00:36:35 I'm in a hurry because my pocket's vibrating and my wife is calling to see where I am even though she sent me to do this shit.

00:38:46 and when they're just sitting there looking at their food, you're like, "Just fucking eat it! You'll die you idiot, eat the food!"

00:40:37 They're gonna grow up and be able to, but they fucking won't do it.

00:42:27 You open her diaper and it's just chaos in there, it's just bananas, it's just..

00:44:42 I'm gonna fall asleep in a lawn chair and wake up like, "Fuck what are you doing? You're fucking my nose.."

00:46:32 Really confident too, not like this, he was like, "Yeah this shit goes right there."

00:48:33 And I did go on a date with my wife and I don't think I'm gonna call her again. It wasn't really fun.

00:50:26 And I'll be like, "Whoa, hmm. Soon as I cum, we're gonna have a talk about that picture."

00:52:44 If I was standing infront of a car I'd just press it against the car like, "[moans] aww, it's warm from the sun, this is good"

00:54:57 I was like, "Well you should have told me! I would have happily done that for you." and she goes, "No, it has to feel real and dangerous."

00:57:21 If you're still standing after that shit, you are a woman.

00:59:35 [crowd cheers]