Louis C.K.: Chewed Up

00:00:30 [crowd cheers]

00:02:47 Quit being a faggot and suck that dick, that's what I would say to them.

00:05:08 Even for vaginas that's too harsh, they should be called like "fala-lala"

00:07:35 They just press a button and some old lady's diarrhea comes out and they just give it to you.

00:10:12 So, both of those guys still need a fat baby and a dead dog to make me.

00:12:44 but before boxer briefs I was trapped between the two awful worlds of briefs and boxers.

00:20:45 And he goes, "Well, there's things you can do... you can stretch for half hour a day you should stretch your ankle"

00:23:39 I have a friend who has a lot of young girlfriends and he goes a little too young.

00:26:24 "Why are you doing this to us? Just put it on a plate, why do I have to lick it off your god damn balls?"

00:29:43 So I'm driving to Walgreens, it was nightime and I see a deer and I fucking hate deer, I hate them because they're everywhere up there.

00:32:15 And then he just dragged his stupid deer head into the woods and he died.

00:34:42 She's never said anything actually important in her entire life.

00:36:51 And this one is talking the whole time, the whole time. With a tiny voice two feet off the ground.

00:39:03 "They have your footprint at the hospital, they know that I have you, I'm not allowed letting you die you piece of shit, eat it!"

00:40:45 If you gotta put on a shoe you just take a foot and put the shoe on it.

00:42:48 But you can't, you gotta be like, "Oh.. wow, you really got something there honey, that's really something. That's really okay, well let me scrap that off your knees for you."

00:45:12 Here's the thing though, girls are just as hard to raise but on a whole other level, they're different.

00:46:53 Like my 5 year old the other day, one of her toys broke. And she demanded that I break her sister's toy to make it fair.

00:48:54 And you blame them less for shit, y'know? Like my wife will never fuck me again I know that now.

00:51:02 I jerk off way too much and it upsets me, I don't know why. Maybe it's because it's so selfish. But I know it's bad, I know I'm hurting somebody somewhere.

00:53:08 'Cause that what we do. I had a corderoy couch, that couch was my bitch I just fucked it all day, just humping with no results just frustrated.

00:55:31 I don't wanna ask first and ruin it so I'm just gonna take a shot and rape her, what the hell, what's the worst that could happen after all?"

00:57:48 I do wanna fuck you but you won't fuck me so fuck you anyway.