Lee Mack: Live

00:00:01 (TAKE ME OUTBY FRANZ FERDINAND PLAYING)

00:02:54 and doesn't understand anything that's happening.

00:05:39 I'm not up here going, ''Why are you all laughing? These are true stories! Stop laughing! Stop it!

00:09:30 I'd rather drop the baby.

00:12:04 ''Then I'd come straight round to your house and show you my t***.''

00:14:41 Barbara Windsor in the airing cupboard with a Stanley knife?

00:17:44 And I mean proper politically correct, right? Not like Stevie Wonder. Hypocrite.

00:20:39 ''All right, mate, what you do for a...''

00:23:26 See, you're very attractive. You're like me, actually. You're a horse face.

00:26:13 ''Three million years, look. It's just that.''

00:29:02 he used to just come in at funny angles like that.

00:31:52 She's great my mum. She used to always support me... This is a true story.

00:34:21 So I used to get

00:37:11 But how many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?

00:39:46 ''Hello there, Officer Is that the police?

00:43:00 ''Go on, Grandad, get us a telly.'' No, it was very sad.

00:45:49 ''Nan, there's no fork and knife. Nan, there's no fork and knife.

00:48:58 One, drinking. Two, driving.

00:52:11 ''I wallabyed, I w*****, I washed, I walked. I can't turn it off.

00:55:25 Do you know what he does? Nothing. Lazy s***.

00:58:16 ''Me a*** is made out of cornflakes. And I invented the snot sausage.

01:01:44 She said, ''Can I ask you 1 0 quick questions?'' I went, ''Go on.''

01:04:30 I'm from Lancashire. ''Hey, have you got shoes?''

01:09:07 bigoted stereotypes?