Jimmy Carr: Stand Up

00:00:21 (Audience) HeIIo.

00:06:31 It's difficuIt to convince your mum you're not gay. TiII we got a camcorder, I was fucked.

00:10:15 Vicky's response to that... Yeah, she's been caIIed a sIag at a show.

00:13:31 So I'm not taIking about anyone in here unIess, in order to get out

00:16:36 - Sorry? - BIock-paved a few.

00:19:38 You Iook as if you didn't understand that. You know who the protagonist is? Jesus.

00:22:25 Another person said, ''A somewhat ironic aIIergy to peanuts.''

00:25:30 - (Man) How oId? - What?

00:29:02 That is a term used in the dogging fraternity, I beIieve.

00:32:15 I said, ''Yeah, OK, fine.''

00:35:13 I waIked out and I said, ''It's IoveIy to see so many bums on seats.''

00:38:27 One thing worse than having your Ieg bIown off is the remaining foot being coId.

00:41:32 Yes, quite right.

00:44:18 No, no, no, they're both for you.

00:47:47 I thought, ''I'm not even going that way.''

00:51:11 ran out of an aIIeyway at high speed.

00:54:14 She was in a box on fire.

00:57:47 Get out.

01:00:43 ''I didn't know I said it.'' They think it, then taIk at the same time.

01:03:56 He sat next to me when I was five on the first day of schooI

01:07:09 I don't have a god in my Iife. Doctors and nurses are Iike secuIar gods.

01:10:07 ObviousIy I didn't say that. I said, ''Yeah, I'd prefer it.''

01:13:44 We think about our wives and our girIfriends.

01:17:00 got up and Iooked Iike he was gonna puII me off.