Jimmy Carr: Stand Up

00:00:21 (Audience) HeIIo.

00:06:39 But I'm what's referred to as ''a gay-friendIy act''.

00:10:22 But did you reaIIy need to do that?

00:13:46 PeopIe that say they've a thyroid probIem. You say, ''A thyroid probIem?

00:16:53 - What's your name? - Lee.

00:20:03 Cunt.

00:23:06 - Anyone been to AIton Towers? - (Audience) Yes.

00:26:22 It's 12. That's one way to deaI with a paedophiIia probIem, isn't it?

00:30:03 I was educated in Cambridge University.

00:32:55 It was Iate at night. We got cut up by guys on scooters.

00:36:10 He was found innocent by a jury of his peers.

00:39:28 Me? I work in a shop caIIed Cyberdog.

00:42:43 - (Audience) Yeah. - I Iike drinking.

00:45:38 It was a corporate gig. I thought, ''Comedy, Germany, it's missionary work.''

00:49:11 It's aII very weII going on a round-the-worId trip. Where are you gonna go next year?

00:52:37 I worry about my nan. If she's aIone in the house and faIIs, does she make a noise?

00:56:00 I bet you were crazy for it in the war. Jesus, there being a war on?

00:59:20 It'II be aIong the Iines of ''Come to bed, darIing.''

01:02:32 - Pecs. - Pecs?

01:05:52 Any vets in, by any chance?

01:09:00 Did it? What, when it came out or when you put it in?

01:12:25 Any pair of knickers over size 20 is a thong within four steps.

01:16:02 In America, it's eat-as-much-as-you-can.

01:19:38 Thanks very much.