Jimmy Carr: Live

00:00:01 (Church bells pealing)

00:03:19 l'm glad you laugh. She went fucking mental.

00:06:12 l've got nothing against Americans, but one said l was pay-tronising.

00:09:30 No. Right. OK. l'm fucked.

00:12:34 lt's a different league.

00:15:24 Loads of comics do a show. There's about ten of us backstage.

00:18:40 lt's a bit more ambitious.

00:22:31 And then bank account details. lt's the Everest of optimism.

00:25:54 l did briefly think l was doing rather well.

00:28:46 You're looking shocked as l explained that to you.

00:31:37 How is that a laughing matter?

00:34:37 l thought, ''ls there a truer expression of love than having a child with someone?''

00:37:54 ''but at least you slow down their day as they wade through the post bag.

00:41:17 l thought that was good. Tabloidy, strong.

00:44:30 ''One of my birthday treats was to go for a balloon ride.

00:47:31 but he's tacked on a silly Hollywood ending where the hero comes back.

00:50:49 My friend picked up two girls last week.

00:53:45 l said, ''l'll have a seat.''

00:56:54 - Come and sit down. Hello. - l thought l was sitting in my own chair.

00:59:56 Don't have a go.

01:02:55 No, l was born in lreland, lrish passport, lrish parents...

01:05:59 lt's got ''jimmycarr.com'' on the sleeve.

01:09:11 ''World's Best Dad.

01:12:15 lt could be cystitis, it could be a bush fire...