Divided Into Zero

00:09:11 I am inside a car...

00:09:18 I am seven years old.

00:09:33 ...after driving into a street divider.

00:09:48 ...his innards exposed and sizzling upon his lap.

00:10:35 Repetition is ritual.

00:10:59 Memories long faded return to me from out of the darkness.

00:11:20 In the end, I'll find myself where I began.

00:13:38 ...the doctor's scalpel sliced clumsily against my inner thigh...

00:13:57 Looking back now, I can see that it was a fitting introduction.

00:14:32 I can't say that I understand it...

00:15:25 I have her stand over me as she bathes me in her warmth.

00:15:51 Imagining her heat as a hot, white ocean of sanctifying purification.

00:16:16 Soldering me back together.

00:16:43 ...I found my mother hanging from a light fixture in the kitchen.

00:16:56 I could never understand why she had chosen to die.

00:17:08 ...that she was more afraid of healing than she was of suffering.

00:17:21 I watched her decompose in the kitchen.

00:23:27 I sometimes wonder if the man I was had ever really existed in the first place.

00:23:50 ...that I will never find.

00:24:05 What's left inside of me will never find its shape in articulation.

00:24:40 If there is a God, my sole prayer is to never be reborn.

00:31:12 I can't stop my mind from haunting my soul.

00:31:32 But my values are meaningless.

00:32:07 I'm very, very afraid.