Carlin at Carnegie

00:00:10 Everybody's heard the old joke: "How do you get to Carnegie Hall?"

00:02:24 Thank you! Good evening everybody!

00:05:11 I had an interesting morning...

00:07:40 I think I'm beyond that now, I've outgrown the nice day...

00:09:57 Nobody's "fine"!

00:12:40 You literally do not know what it is!

00:14:50 "How do you know you don't like it...?"

00:17:19 "May I borrow your green Guacamole?"

00:19:50 ...lobsters and crabs!

00:22:26 26 people were killed today when two funeral processions...

00:25:39 ...three neighbours, and a woman who works at the filling station!

00:29:01 Lots of people got lots of goddamn doggies!

00:31:05 "Holy God! Do that again!"

00:33:27 ...waiting to sleep, waiting to go upstairs, waiting to go downstairs...

00:35:34 "What's the matter, Dan?" "Well, the dog... Goddamn it, nevermind!"

00:38:02 He's looking at you like they got a trick problem they can't quite solve...

00:40:06 When they're teeny, I hope he stays that size forever. He's darling!

00:42:01 You may still be 50 feet down the hall! They see you coming:

00:44:26 A cat's too proud to let you see him suffer!

00:47:08 I think we need a lot more research on beer nuts!

00:49:35 "Cocktails"! Long as you use both halves of the word... Perfectly fine!

00:52:06 They just don't call it fucking! That's the secret! They don't use that word!

00:54:28 And only to the ones that weren't allowed on TV!

00:57:31 "...jelly roll, jerk the gherkin..."