Michael McIntyre: Hello Wembley

00:00:28 (INAUDIBLE)

00:03:40 I'm like, "Yeah, whatever."

00:07:01 Semifinal.

00:10:17 They bring cash and put it on the table in front of them.

00:14:09 I saw a Prime Minister's Questions on it once.

00:17:46 "'I want a full refund."'

00:21:08 The guy's practically in tears. He goes, "So beautiful.

00:24:24 "Just got a new suit and trousers."

00:28:06 and you follow in behind.

00:31:32 I'm not happy with any plane where the captain turns around and goes

00:34:40 Standing there talking about house prices.

00:37:57 This sandwich consisted of tomato and lettuce

00:41:08 It's not like you have the steak and they come out and go

00:44:13 But it doesn't matter what you order, ladies and gentlemen

00:47:56 If you lose your keys, you've lost your keys.

00:51:09 "All these phone calls are to Nigeria. It's for 900 quid."

00:54:21 I thought there'd been a meeting at the Welsh Assembly.

00:57:27 It's £1 to use the loo and 99p to get to Rome.

01:00:34 "What time is our flight, darling? 4:00? We have to leave at what, 1:00?

01:04:26 The person in front of me says, "Excuse me, mate, I'm looking for a lead

01:07:47 "Morning, darling. How did you sleep?"

01:08:14 "I think it was the pizza." "You're right.

01:11:40 "I actually want you to think about this quite seriously.

01:14:58 "Don't you fucking lie to me. You go and protect this household."

01:18:25 And then what happens is a strange woman rubs oil into your body for an hour.