00:01:27 Hey, can I get another drink down here?
00:01:30 I've been to prison once.
00:01:32 I've been married twice.
00:01:34 I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live
00:01:37 in shit-ass Mexico for two and a half years for no reason.
00:01:41 I've had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out,
00:01:44 and I got a bone chip in my ankle that's never gonna heal.
00:01:49 I've seen some pretty shitty situations in my life.
00:01:52 But nothing has ever sucked more ass than this.
00:01:56 If I'd known I was gonna have to put up with screaming brats
00:01:59 pissing on my lap for 30 days out of the year,
00:02:01 I would have killed myself a long time ago.
00:02:07 Come to think of it, I still might.
00:02:12 Where I come from, we didn't celebrate Christmas.
00:02:15 Not because we were Jewish, but because my dad
00:02:17 was a worthless-coward fucking asshole whose idea of a present
00:02:20 was a daily punch to the back of the head.
00:02:23 He did teach me how to crack a safe, though.
00:02:27 My dad never did shit with his life, so he took it out on me.
00:02:30 You could say I'm no different. I'd have to say you were right.
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